We are stronger together, so let’s help each other be stronger. Throughout the last couple of years, the phrase ‘stronger together’ has come up time and time again. It is hard to disagree with. When we work together for the greater good, good things will happen. So how can we help each other to be stronger? And how can we help people around us to understand and use their character strengths when they face adversity, or just to create more fulfilling lives?

Well here’s an idea! How about telling people about the strengths that you notice in them. These might be the positive traits or values that are sometimes hidden from a person’s own view of themselves. This act of pointing out what a person is doing well can go by many different names, such as compliments, strength spotting, praise, admiration and awe. In its simplest form, we are talking about complimenting another person’s character.
Giving compliments to others benefits the giver and receiver. As Mark Twain famously said “l can live for two months on a good compliment”. Letting someone know the strengths you see in them is one of the most effective ways to spread positivity. Our words can help a person feel seen, heard and valued, and create a positive cycle of feeling good. Likewise, it is touching to hear about ‘the good’ people see in you. And it undoubtedly brings you closer to the person who noticed you.

Image: @anthropologie

The research on spotting character strengths in others has mainly focused on children and young people. Researchers found that when teachers spend time noticing the strengths of their students, their students are more engaged and positive. Research with couples has also found that strength spotting increases relationship satisfaction.

The science of compliments yields interesting insights into why the warm fuzzies remain so powerful to us across all ages.

When we receive a compliment, neuroscience has shown that parts of our brain associated with reward light up (the ventral striatum). The same area lights up when we receive a cash gift. Indeed, a study led by Professor Dan Ariely from Duke University found that complimenting employees was better than cash incentives in boosting productivity.

We have all felt the warm glow that comes after a compliment, yet research has found there are even more benefits such as a better understanding of what others see and value, feeling more comfortable, positive relationships and release of the love hormone oxytocin.

Compliments spread positivity in all directions, and they benefit the receiver and giver. For the giver of compliments, complimenting others is associated with mindful awareness, strengthening values, living with meaning and amplifying positivity. Despite all these stated benefits, research suggests that we still underestimate the impact of compliments and worry about it creating awkwardness. The good news is that most of these fears are unfounded and people feel really happy from receiving compliments.

So here’s some tips for giving compliments-

• Be genuine, don’t say something you don’t really mean just to be “nice”. Compliments must be authentic and heartfelt.

• Compliment for the right reasons- to support positivity for you and your friend

• Use the language of character strengths. Character strengths are enduring and universally valued qualities, people respond well to being noticed in this way

• Be a mindful and curious observer of people

• Become skilled at noticing when you’re admiring something about someone. Commonly, we might “think” these things but forget to vocalize them. The trick is to actually let someone know when we notice something we like or admire about them!!

References

Kashdan, T. B., Blalock, D. V., Young, K. C., Machell, K. A., Monfort, S. S., McKnight, P. E., & Ferssizidis, P. (2018). Personality strengths in romantic relationships: Measuring perceptions of benefits and costs and their impact on personal and relational well-being. Psychological Assessment, 30(2), 241.

Kim, S. I., Reeve, J., & Bong, M. (2016). Introduction to motivational neuroscience. In Recent developments in neuroscience research on human motivation. Emerald Group Publishing Limited.

Niemiec, R. M. (2019). Finding the golden mean: the overuse, underuse, and optimal use of character strengths. Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 32(3-4), 453-471.

Quinlan, D., Vella-Brodrick, D. A., Gray, A., & Swain, N. (2019). Teachers matter: Student outcomes following a strengths intervention are mediated by teacher strengths spotting. Journal of happiness studies, 20(8), 2507-2523.

Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2021). Insufficiently complimentary?: Underestimating the positive impact of compliments creates a barrier to expressing them. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 121(2), 239–256. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000277

We are stronger together, so let’s help lift each other up